INSPIRED BY GLAMOUR

I've come to a realization about myself lately. I DO care what other people think of me. (On a certain level.) It's real easy to shake the world off and do what you want when you want no matter how it affects other people, but that's just not me. I'm sensitive.

The past few months at work have really been a struggle. I'm in a lead position and with that responsibility it pretty much means you don't have many friends. You are the enemy. You are the tattle tail. You are the suck up. You are the outcast. I've learned in the past few months who my actual "work friends" are. They are the ones that respect your position even if it means you have to tell them they did something wrong or they really need to improve. I thank them for being mature and understanding that it IS my job and I have to do it fair.

It totally sucks to go to work knowing that your face does not want to be seen by people. People don't want you walking by their desk and they for sure DO NOT want to receive emails from you pointing out something they did wrong. (For the record, if I come across my own mistakes I post them up so everyone knows I make mistakes too.) This type of attitude shut me down completely from my team. I showed up, did my job, smiled falsely and went home. I mean, people were making things up about me. Telling people I said things that I NEVER said. I had enough and kindness just couldn't be found in my heart for them.

The unnecessary drama caused a few friendships to be totally lost. I should be upset about it but something in me just says to move on. I'm at an age that I'm just not gonna fish for any friendship. If it's worth holding on to I will make the first move and be the first to admit my faults. But the downside of all of these happenings is that if I'm done with you then I' done with you. What I need to realize is that these "friends" might be in need of something. Maybe they need a smile, a hug, just a simple good morning. I'm gonna work on it. I am.

While reading this months issue of Glamour magazine I came across a couple of articles that made me rethink MY actions. I'm not admitting to being a mean person. If you know me AT ALL you should know that I have an extremely kind heart and I want the best for EVERYONE. But, with that being said, there is also a tiny, tiny, tiny, little spot in the very very back of my heart that can be just a little tiny bit evil. I'm not proud of it. I don't brag about it. I do, however, don't do anything to make it better. So, I am going to take the queues from the pages of Glamour and spread some anonymous love to the world.

The article in the September 2010 issue of Glamour is on page 116 titled Go Ahead: Tell a Stranger She's Gorgeous! So that is what I am going to do. So, thank you Caitlin Boyle, the woman who is spreading some love world wide. She is sticking up Post-It notes with encouraging sayings on them in random places to possibly make someones day. I'm going to do it too!!! Why not spread some anonymous love? Check out Caitlin's website WWW.OPERATIONBEAUTIFUL.COM.

I've armed myself with some Post-its and I'm ready to stick 'em up! I encourage you to do the same. Hey, it's an excuse to go to the stationary aisle. :)

April

THE EVILS OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

Happy Wednesday!!! I'm glad the work day is over. I had to give 3 presentations at work today. It's a day I have been dreading for sometime. People kept telling me I would do just fine and it's not that bad and since I sing in front of people there is nothing for me to worry about. I kept telling them that it was serious and I just might pass out in front of everyone. No sympathy was felt. Instead, I found myself in front of the computer making my very first power point.

I ironed my clothes last night so that there was less to do this morning since I had to leave the house earlier than usual. The drive to work involved A LOT of deep breathing to calm myself because I began to work myself up to an absolute frenzy. Why was I so nervous? My co-workers see me every day and it's not like I was getting fired based on how I did. I just needed to get through this day and my stomach and breathing could go back to normal.

I got to the conference room 15 minutes before the first meeting. "Stop shaking! You're okay! These people aren't even going to be listening to you! They really don't care!" I was really trying to talk myself down and was lightly stroking my forearm because I read once that it naturally calms you down. Didn't work. My first audience member walked in and I could feel myself getting light headed and tears began to form. I was getting ready to have a panic attack! Full on panic attack! I tried to think of all the places that would be far worse than the place I was at now but my nerves absolutely took over every inch of my body.

I informed my boss weeks before that it was his fault if I was humiliated. I'm one of those people that turn BRIGHT RED even if I'm talking to just one person. I was so nervous that someone would point it out and it would just make everything worse. (If you are one of those people who like to point out someone's uncontrollable redness, STOP! It's embarrassing!!)

So, more people start pouring into the room and by this time I'm sure that they can see my shirt popping up and down due to my heart that was beating rapidly. One lovely coworker asked if I was nervous and of course I said "no" and then she has to add "then why is your face so red?" Everyone turned to look at me. Humiliation!

My presentation didn't happen until after my boss went over the monthly issues and concerns. It was the worst, sweatiest, heart pounding, waiting I have ever experienced. I could picture myself weakening and falling face first to the floor busting out 2 or 3 of the teeth next to one of my front teeth. That's worse than just taking out the front altogether, in my opinion. I scanned my upper row of teeth with my tongue hoping it wasn't the last time I was going to do that.

My boss finished up and then so politely introduced me to the room. I took my place in front of the room with the lights beaming so brightly on me. I tried to mess with the light before anyone got there to make me talk from the shadows but it was a no go. Words just began flying out of my mouth. Some I was reading from the big screen behind me, some I was just making up on the spot. I tried to make eye contact with everyone in the room so they couldn't see my nervousness but I could hear the shake in my voice a couple of times but there was no where to go from there. I finished my presentation, asked if there were any questions and gave a good professional eyebrow lifted look around the room to hopefully not see one hand in the air. Of course, there always has to be one that just needs a little more information and luckily it was a question that I could answer easily.

So, I made it through the first one. Only two more to go. I would like to say that they got a little easier each time but they didn't. For the 2nd meeting I added a little bit extra information just so I could look informative but then I found myself giving too much information. The 3rd meeting I was just relieved to be done and I read the screen, asked for questions and took my seat. I was done for the day.

Originally, when I found out I had to do this presentation I thought I should do a mini production. I wanted the Thriller music video in the background and I wanted to come in from the back of the room in some sort of Michael Jackson ensemble. When the dance sequence started I would be right there in front of Michael leading him and the cast of zombies in the greatest dance know to man. It would be the best entertainment the billing office had ever seen. As soon as I shimmed my last shimmy, my power point would show up with big bold letters that read "GET THRILLED WITH PAI".

Obviously, that's not the route I took but I think it would have made Michael Jackson proud :)

April